Thank you once again for allowing me to stay in touch with these newsletters. As you know my focus is on using communication skills enhanced with humor and creativity. But today I’ve decided to forgo the “enhanced” version and go right for the laughs.
It’s a good way to communicate.
I’ve gone through the Jokes of the Week submitted by newsletter readers in 2013 and came up with the funniest ten. Of course I always point out that sending in a joke submission is a networking opportunity because I’ll include a link for your business or event website. Some of the following yuck-ster’s forgot to do that or were promoting events that have already ended. Otherwise, when there’s a link please take a look to see what these funny people are up to.
Keep Laughing!! – Dave Schwensen
You’re Talking – But Is Anyone Really Listening?
Top Ten Networking Jokes
1. The owner of a golf course in the south was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all went to college and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, “Every-thang but my earrings.” – Terry Jones
2. A woman is teaching her dog some basic tricks. She said, “Sit” and the dog sat. She said, “Beg” and the dog put his paws up. She said, ‘lie” and the dog said, “My! You’re looking lovely today.” – Bob Simpson, LINK
3. A cowboy rides into town, stops at the local saloon, goes in and orders two “red eyes” goes outside and his horse has had its tail painted blue. The cowboy comes back into the saloon and says I’ll have two red eyes and I want to know who painted my horse blue. A fellow about six foot six , three axe handles across the shoulders in white overalls with blue pain on stands up and says “and who wants to know”.
The cowboy says, “I just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry. – Lou Harrison-Smith, LINK
4. A long line at the bank. Three tellers working. Guy goes up to the middle teller, pulls out a gun and says, “This is a robbery. Put all the money in the bag and don’t say or do anything or I’ll shoot you.”
The teller complies and he looks to the right and there’s a woman standing there staring at him. “Did you see anything here?” he asks. “Yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.
He looks to his left and another woman is staring at him. “Did you just see anything here?” “Well, umm, yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.
He turns around and there is a man next in line and he asks him if he saw anything. He says, “No sir, I didn’t see anything… but my wife here…” – Marc Jaffe (founder of Shaking With Laughter fundraiser to fight Parkinson’s) LINK
5. Coming into town I saw the flag at the Fire Station was at half mast. I said to the lady ‘Somebody die?’ She said ‘Yeah, the guy pulling it all the way to the top.’ – Charlie Adams
To schedule Dave as the speaker / trainer for your next event visit
6. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’ – Joanie
7. “Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because D-shells were too big.” – Debbie the Flight Attendant
8. Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:
”Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”
”Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”
”Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”
”Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property? … the schmuck has a paper route!” – Joel Schwartz, LINK
9. A lady hires a plumber to come to her house and fix her sink. On the phone, she tells him that she won’t be home but she’ll leave a check for his services on the counter. Then she adds, “I have a pit bull and a parrot. Don’t worry – the pit bull is a good dog and will not bother you but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot!”
The plumber goes to the house and sure enough, he is able to get in and passes the pit bull without a problem. He begins his work only to hear the parrot begin to scream and screech, “Hey there, stupid! What are you doing, you big goof?! Who’s stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy!”
Finally the plumber can’t take it anymore and he turns around and faces the parrot and shouts, “That’s it Parrot! You’re doomed! Now I’m coming after you!”
The parrot looks a the dog and says, “Sick’em Angela.” – Sally Edwards, Author of Comedy Mom – LINK
10. Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time.
The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just look at each other. Finally the pastor says, “Where is God?”
The boy just sits there and doesn’t answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, “Where is God?”
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn’t answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse and practically shouts, “Where is God?!” To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the office.
The boy runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shuts the door and pants, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!” – Rob Telecky (Comics For Kids Fundraiser – University Hospital, Cleveland)
Dave Schwensen has designed and instructs university courses in communications and presentation skills. He is an author, keynote speaker, trainer, consultant, and nationally-recognized comedy coach. He is a CILC Pinnacle Award Winner for conferences on communication skills. For information about scheduling Dave’s interactive keynote or training seminars for your next event, visit www.TalkingForSuccess.com
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Copyright 2014 – North Shore Publishing