This is the time of year when a lot of us become David Letterman impersonators. Instead of running to the refrigerator during television commercials, we sit on the couch and think about the year that’s just ending and come up with Top Ten Lists.
Could be good stuff – or could be bad stuff. In our case, we’ll focus on the funny stuff.
To close out another year of yucks and to honor the original during his final months as host of The Late Show with David Letterman, I’ve gone through the Jokes of the Week submitted by readers for 2014 and came up with the Top Ten. Of course I always point out that sending in a joke submission is a networking opportunity because I’ll include links for your sites. A couple of the following yuck-ster’s forgot to do that or were promoting shows that have already ended. Otherwise, when there’s a link I hope you’ll check it out!
So without further delay – in order of the date they appeared – here are…
The Top Ten Networking Jokes for 2014:
1 – January 14, 2014
“I’m getting stronger! I added 10 pounds to my workout weight, which is good and bad. I only do push ups.” – Risky Betts, riskybetts.com
2 – February 4, 2014
British Airways Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and………OH… MY GOD!” Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled……. “For the luvva Jaysus……you should see the back of mine!” – Brian Luoma, www.facebook.com/brian.luoma
3 – March 11, 2014
A very attractive woman walks into a bar and sees a man giving her an overly attentive stare. She takes the seat next to him and says, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything you want for me to do for $100 dollars on one condition – you have to tell me in just three words.” The man pulls out 5 twenty dollar bills, looks deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully says, “Paint My House!” – Jerry X. Shea, www.jerryxshea.com
4 – March 25, 2014
A cowboy rides into town, stops at the local saloon, goes in and orders two “red eyes.” He throws them down and goes outside. His horse is missing. He goes back into the bar and says, “I’m going to have two more red eyes and if my horse isn’t back the same thing is going to happen here as happened in Tombstone.”
There is a shuffling of feet and everyone looks at the floor. He throws down the two red eyes and as he goes outside, the barman joins him and there is his horse. Curious, the barman looked at him and asked, “What happened in Tombstone?” “I had to walk home,” said the cowboy. – Lou Harrison-Smith, www.linkedin.com/in/tourswithoutequal
5 – April 22, 2014
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence; then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” – Dr. Cynthia Shelby Lane (shared as winner of funniest joke U.K.), shelbylanemd.com
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6 – June 3, 2014
There was a blonde in the audience watching a show by a ventriloquist. The ventriloquist proceeded to do quite a few blonde jokes. The blonde became very upset, stood up and said, “Those are offensive and I don’t appreciate you using them in your act!”
The ventriloquist stepped forward, apologized and said, “I’m sorry, I won’t do anymore blonde jokes.” The blonde, completely exasperated stomped her foot, pointed her finger at the dummy and shouted, “NO, I’m talking to YOU!!” – Debbie
7 – August 25, 2014
Monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Every ten years he’s allowed to go to the Head Monk and say two words, which he does after ten years and says, “Food cold!” The Head Monk says, “OK, we’ll see what we can do about that.” The monk goes back to his worship for ten years in silence and his time comes again to go before the Head. When the Head asks for his two words, the monk says, “Bed hard!” The Head says, “OK, we’ll see what we can do” and the monk goes back to his devotion in silence.
Ten more years pass and it’s the monk’s opportunity for two words again. He goes to the Head and says, “I quit!” The Head Honk replies, “Well, I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” – Marc Jaffe, Shaking With Laughter
8 – September 17, 2014
“Where do Zombies go to buy their home accessories? Of course… Dead, Bath and Beyond.” – Dave Weiser, https://www.facebook.com/dweiser
9 – October 14, 2014
“I’m adopted. And there are certain advantages to being adopted. Like, you can date relatives.” – Don Cooper, doncooper.wix.com/dccomedy
10 – November 11, 2014
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken woman downing drinks at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yeah,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She started drinking right after our divorce ten years ago and hasn’t been sober since.
“My God!” says his wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?!” – Barbi B.
Dave Schwensen has designed and instructs university courses in communications and presentation skills. He is an author, keynote speaker, trainer, consultant, nationally-recognized comedy coach, and CILC Pinnacle Award Winner for video conferences. For information about scheduling Dave’s interactive keynote and training seminars for your next event, visit www.TalkingForSuccess.com
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