Top 10 Networking Jokes For 2015

Another year with more laughs? Sounds good to me. But before we move ahead, let’s take a look back at what made us laugh in 2015. And in case you haven’t caught on yet, that’s a good excuse to list The Top 10 Networking Jokes For 2015.

Though I’ve been doing this newsletter for a lot longer, I didn’t come up with the brilliant idea of sharing your jokes with links to your websites, videos and other marketing sites until the last few months of 2010. Since then there have been 224 jokes shared in this newsletter. If we put them all together (35 pages!) it might make a good Comedy Central special or at least a decent open-mic set – ha!

So to ring out the old and ring in the new, here in no special order are 2015’s Top 10 Networking Jokes. We’ll pick up where we left off in 2016, so if you have a website, video, upcoming show, Facebook page, Twitter, LinkedIn or other site you’d like to promote to your fellow readers, send me an email. After all, it’s all about networking…

Thanks for reading and being an important part of this large circle of comedians, humorous speakers, talent reps and talent bookers. I hope you have a very productive and laugh-filled New Year!

Keep Laughing!

Dave Schwensen

*

TOP 10 NETWORKING JOKES FOR 2015

1. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The handsome guys says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.” – Brian Luoma

*

2. Last night I decided to go out to just hang out and have a beer, then I fell asleep while planning what to wear. This morning I realized, my trash goes out more than I do. – Vernon Davis

*

3. I was reading an article last week about Fathers and Daughters, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my Daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local Pub, which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness Stout. She didn’t like it – so I drank it. Then I got her an Old Style – she didn’t like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home. – Bob Stefani

*

4. “It’s not that I’m fat. It’s just that I’m modest and don’t want my bones to show.” – Lynn B. Johnson

*

5. A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!” – No Name.

*

6. “Things are so bad in the world, I just started my own Kickstarter campaign for world peace – and now I owe them money. 42,000,000 dollars and a Get Out Of The USA Free card… Oy!!!” – Dave Weiser

*

7. “Middle life is not a crisis. It’s a waterslide to old age.” – Marilyn Mandel 

*

8. “I went skydiving the other day. It was the most exciting thing I’d ever done and the scariest. Like marriage. Except skydiving has a higher success rate.” – Don Cooper

*

9. The shark had punched a hole in the bottom of the boat and we started taking on water. With nothing to plug the hole the Captain said, just sit on it. I did but the leak got worst. Remembering JAWS, I yelled “We’re gonna need a bigger Butt!” – Bob Moher

*

10. “A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle. He pulls out the cork, and a genie appears and tells him he has three wishes. “But,” the genie says, “I have to warn you, whatever you receive, your worst enemy will get twice as much as you.”

“Okay,” says the guy, “first, I want ten million dollars.” The genie grants the wish and reminds him that his worst enemy now has twenty million dollars.

“Next wish, I want a thirty-room mansion in the Bahamas.” The genie builds the mansion for him, and lets him know that his worst enemy now has a home twice as big.

“Fine. For the last wish,” the guy picks up a big stick and hands it to the genie, “beat me HALF to death.” – Debbie (my wife who thinks she’s funny telling old jokes..).

*

Comment? That’s what the form below is for. In the meantime, thanks for reading and as always – keep laughing!

Musical Interlude: The Joker by The Steve Miller Band

—————————————————————-

talking-for-success-banner-700

Click on the banner to sign up for Dave’s free newsletter!

—————————————————————-

Dave Schwensen is a nationally recognized comedy coach and author of six books including How To Be A Working Comic. He has designed and instructs university courses in communications and presentation skills. Dave is a keynote speaker and break-out session leader (for your next event!) and CILC Pinnacle Award Winner for video conferences on comedy, communication skills and pop culture.

For Dave’s author page on Amazon.com CLICK HERE.

For information about scheduling Dave’s comedy workshop seminar or interactive keynote for your next event, or for any comments please use the contact form below.

Copyright 2016 – North Shore Publishing

Top 10 Networking Jokes for 2014

This is the time of year when a lot of us become David Letterman impersonators. Instead of running to the refrigerator during television commercials, we sit on the couch and think about the year that’s just ending and come up with Top Ten Lists.

Could be good stuff – or could be bad stuff. In our case, we’ll focus on the funny stuff.

images1

We’re going to miss Dave in 2015!

To close out another year of yucks and to honor the original during his final months as host of The Late Show with David Letterman, I’ve gone through the Jokes of the Week submitted by readers for 2014 and came up with the Top Ten. Of course I always point out that sending in a joke submission is a networking opportunity because I’ll include links for your sites. A couple of the following yuck-ster’s forgot to do that or were promoting shows that have already ended. Otherwise, when there’s a link I hope you’ll check it out!

So without further delay – in order of the date they appeared – here are…

The Top Ten Networking Jokes for 2014:

*

1 – January 14, 2014

“I’m getting stronger! I added 10 pounds to my workout weight, which is good and bad. I only do push ups.” – Risky Betts, riskybetts.com

*

2 – February 4, 2014

British Airways Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and………OH… MY GOD!” Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled……. “For the luvva Jaysus……you should see the back of mine!” – Brian Luomawww.facebook.com/brian.luoma

*

3 – March 11, 2014

A very attractive woman walks into a bar and sees a man giving her an overly attentive stare. She takes the seat next to him and says, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything you want for me to do for $100 dollars on one condition – you have to tell me in just three words.” The man pulls out 5 twenty dollar bills, looks deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully says, “Paint My House!” – Jerry X. Shea, www.jerryxshea.com

*

4 – March 25, 2014

A cowboy rides into town, stops at the local saloon, goes in and orders two “red eyes.” He throws them down and goes outside. His horse is missing. He goes back into the bar and says, “I’m going to have two more red eyes and if my horse isn’t back the same thing is going to happen here as happened in Tombstone.”

There is a shuffling of feet and everyone looks at the floor. He throws down the two red eyes and as he goes outside, the barman joins him and there is his horse. Curious, the barman looked at him and asked, “What happened in Tombstone?” “I had to walk home,” said the cowboy. – Lou Harrison-Smith, www.linkedin.com/in/tourswithoutequal

*

5 – April 22, 2014

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence; then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” – Dr. Cynthia Shelby Lane (shared as winner of funniest joke U.K.), shelbylanemd.com

—————————————————————-

Sign up for Dave’s free newsletter

Talking For Success Banner 700

Visit Dave’s Author Page on Amazon.com

—————————————————————-

6 – June 3, 2014

There was a blonde in the audience watching a show by a ventriloquist. The ventriloquist proceeded to do quite a few blonde jokes. The blonde became very upset, stood up and said, “Those are offensive and I don’t appreciate you using them in your act!”

The ventriloquist stepped forward, apologized and said, “I’m sorry, I won’t do anymore blonde jokes.” The blonde, completely exasperated stomped her foot, pointed her finger at the dummy and shouted, “NO, I’m talking to YOU!!” – Debbie

*

7 – August 25, 2014

Monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Every ten years he’s allowed to go to the Head Monk and say two words, which he does after ten years and says, “Food cold!” The Head Monk says, “OK, we’ll see what we can do about that.” The monk goes back to his worship for ten years in silence and his time comes again to go before the Head. When the Head asks for his two words, the monk says, “Bed hard!” The Head says, “OK, we’ll see what we can do” and the monk goes back to his devotion in silence.

Ten more years pass and it’s the monk’s opportunity for two words again. He goes to the Head and says, “I quit!” The Head Honk replies, “Well, I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” – Marc Jaffe, Shaking With Laughter

*

8 – September 17, 2014

“Where do Zombies go to buy their home accessories? Of course… Dead, Bath and Beyond.” – Dave Weiser, https://www.facebook.com/dweiser

*

9 – October 14, 2014

“I’m adopted. And there are certain advantages to being adopted. Like, you can date relatives.” – Don Cooper, doncooper.wix.com/dccomedy

*

10 – November 11, 2014

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken woman downing drinks at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yeah,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She started drinking right after our divorce ten years ago and hasn’t been sober since.

“My God!” says his wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?!” – Barbi B.

———————————————————-

Dave Schwensen has designed and instructs university courses in communications and presentation skills. He is an author, keynote speaker, trainer, consultant, nationally-recognized comedy coach, and CILC Pinnacle Award Winner for video conferences. For information about scheduling Dave’s interactive keynote and training seminars for your next event, visit www.TalkingForSuccess.com

For Dave’s author page on Amazon.com CLICK HERE.

Have a comment? Please use the link below – I’d love to hear from you.

Copyright 2015 – North Shore Publishing

Top Ten Networking Jokes for 2013

Thank you once again for allowing me to stay in touch with these newsletters. As you know my focus is on using communication skills enhanced with humor and creativity. But today I’ve decided to forgo the “enhanced” version and go right for the laughs.

It’s a good way to communicate.

I’ve gone through the Jokes of the Week submitted by newsletter readers in 2013 and came up with the funniest ten. Of course I always point out that sending in a joke submission is a networking opportunity because I’ll include a link for your business or event website. Some of the following yuck-ster’s forgot to do that or were promoting events that have already ended. Otherwise, when there’s a link please take a look to see what these funny people are up to.

Keep Laughing!! – Dave Schwensen

———————————–

You’re Talking – But Is Anyone Really Listening?

Top Ten Networking Jokes

1. The owner of a golf course in the south was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all went to college and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, “Every-thang but my earrings.” – Terry Jones

*

2. A woman is teaching her dog some basic tricks. She said, “Sit” and the dog sat.  She said, “Beg” and the dog put his paws up.  She said, ‘lie” and the dog said, “My!  You’re looking lovely today.” – Bob Simpson, LINK 

*

3. A cowboy rides into town, stops at the local saloon, goes in and orders two “red eyes” goes outside and his horse has had its tail painted blue. The cowboy comes back into the saloon and says I’ll have two red eyes and I want to know who painted my horse blue. A fellow about six foot six , three axe handles across the shoulders in white overalls with blue pain on stands up and says “and who wants to know”.

The cowboy says, “I just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry. – Lou Harrison-Smith, LINK

*

4. A long line at the bank. Three tellers working. Guy goes up to the middle teller, pulls out a gun and says, “This is a robbery. Put all the money in the bag and don’t say or do anything or I’ll shoot you.”

The teller complies and he looks to the right and there’s a woman standing there staring at him. “Did you see anything here?” he asks. “Yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.

He looks to his left and another woman is staring at him. “Did you just see anything here?” “Well, umm, yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.

He turns around and there is a man next in line and he asks him if he saw anything. He says, “No sir, I didn’t see anything… but my wife here…” – Marc Jaffe (founder of Shaking With Laughter fundraiser to fight Parkinson’s) LINK

*

5. Coming into town I saw the flag at the Fire Station was at half mast.  I said to the lady ‘Somebody die?’   She said ‘Yeah, the guy pulling it all the way to the top.’ – Charlie Adams

————————————————————————–

To schedule Dave as the speaker / trainer for your next event visit

www.TalkingForSuccess.com

————————————————————————–

6. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’ – Joanie

*

7. “Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because D-shells were too big.” – Debbie the Flight Attendant

*

8. Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:

 ”Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

 ”Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

 ”Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

 ”Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property? … the schmuck has a paper route!” – Joel Schwartz, LINK

*

9. A lady hires a plumber to come to her house and fix her sink. On the phone, she tells him that she won’t be home but she’ll leave a check for his services on the counter. Then she adds, “I have a pit bull and a parrot. Don’t worry – the pit bull is a good dog and will not bother you but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot!”

The plumber goes to the house and sure enough, he is able to get in and passes the pit bull without a problem. He begins his work only to hear the parrot begin to scream and screech, “Hey there, stupid! What are you doing, you big goof?! Who’s stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy!”

Finally the plumber can’t take it anymore and he turns around and faces the parrot and shouts, “That’s it Parrot! You’re doomed! Now I’m coming after you!”

The parrot looks a the dog and says, “Sick’em Angela.” – Sally Edwards, Author of Comedy MomLINK

*

10. Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time.

The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just look at each other. Finally the pastor says, “Where is God?”

The boy just sits there and doesn’t answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, “Where is God?”

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn’t answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse and practically shouts, “Where is God?!” To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shuts the door and pants, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!” – Rob Telecky (Comics For Kids Fundraiser – University Hospital, Cleveland)

———————————————————-

Dave Schwensen has designed and instructs university courses in communications and presentation skills. He is an author, keynote speaker, trainer, consultant, and nationally-recognized comedy coach. He is a CILC Pinnacle Award Winner for conferences on communication skills. For information about scheduling Dave’s interactive keynote or training seminars for your next event, visit www.TalkingForSuccess.com

For Dave’s author page on Amazon.com CLICK HERE.

Have a comment? Please use the link below or send an email to dave@davepresents.com – I’d love to hear from you.

Copyright 2014 – North Shore Publishing